My 3-year-old son’s hair is getting long. This is intentional. He has very fine,
straight hair but when I have cut it short in the past, he has mean cowlick that can’t be
tamed. It tortures me.
More importantly, when it’s longer, the strands coming from that cowlick bounce
up and down when he runs. It’s the cutest frickin’ thing ever and I’m not ready to give
that delight up just yet. So, I have decided to just let it keep growing and see what
happens. There is a vision, I swear.
The problem is that it’s now down over his eyes and ears and everyone seems to
have an opinion on it. Especially my mother-in-law who keeps finding ways to passive
aggressively suggest getting it out of his eyes.
Like listen lady, there’s an endgame here but yes, it’s going to be in his eyes until
it gets long enough that it can be pushed aside. He doesn’t seem to be bothered by it. I
was inclined to ignore all the noise and was doing a good job of being my stubborn self,
but when his daycare teacher told me yesterday that she was going to “start pulling his
hair up into a ponytail so he could see,” the shame finally got to me. Who knew so many
people who are not me or my husband would have something to say about our son’s
hair?
After dinner last night, I felt compelled to talk to a preschooler about haircuts. He
hates getting a haircut. Many of you are aware, but in the off chance you aren’t, 3-year-
olds do NOT sit nicely for a barber. Shout out to those who cut little kids’ hair.
So, me, wanting to be a good mom and bring him into the decision-making
process about his own appearance, Googled some photos of longer boys’ haircuts. I
had a few options that I personally liked at the ready for this conversation with my son. I
revealed the first photo; “Do you like this haircut?”
He looked at it for about 3 seconds and simply said, “No.”
“Why don’t you like it?”
“Because I don’t want to look like a girl. I’m not a girl. I’m a boy.”
Huh??
I was flabbergasted. He’s still working on his vocabulary and how to “use his
words.” He’s 3. How could he even possibly attribute long hair to girls? This is traditional
gender role stereotyping at its finest. I mean of course HE wouldn’t use those words but
that’s exactly what was happening here. I was so “shook” by his response that I did a
little research and sure enough, kids learn gender roles at around 2-3 years old. My
friend Google AI says that at age 3, “children display rudimentary knowledge of gender
stereotypes, choosing specific toys, clothes, and play activities linked to traditional roles.” This one oversimplified sentence is just a basic understanding that pulls from
many years’ worth of studies and extensive research, but it stands true all the same
which means my son has already started to form ideas of what makes a girl a girl and a
boy a boy.
Well, it was a bit of a wakeup call for me. I wouldn’t have thought that my 3-year-old
little boy would already be considering where he fits into the world around him. I thought
his biggest worry was whether I’d let him watch YouTube kids on my phone.
And then I had another panic moment. In today’s world where we are trying to teach
our children to look past traditional gender stereotypes and to be sensitive toward all
gender identities, how do I address this in words that a 3-year-old can understand?
I don’t have an answer for you. I decided the depth required for that particular
discussion could be saved for another day. Instead, I chose to be very specific with him
and said, “boys can have long hair too and girls can have short hair.” That’s it.
Worried about what I was personally putting out into the universe about gender
roles, I researched a few ways that we, as parents, can promote gender sensitivity at
home. I was surprised to not return many results, but after weeding through the junk, a
few ideas spoke to me as a mom of only boys:
- Let them play with whatever toy they want to. My older son had a kitchen playset
on his Christmas list two years in a row. It was obvious he really wanted it if he
hadn’t given up on it for a whole year. We were blessed to be able to afford to get
him one this past Christmas. He absolutely loves it and I get to enjoy his pretend
soup at least once a week. - Encourage friends of both genders and don’t tease that the friend of the opposite
gender is a “girlfriend” or “boyfriend.” I caught myself doing this once with a girl
friend that my older son made at daycare. These kids were 4 and I felt gross at
my own self for perpetuating that dumb crap. - Let them pursue their interests. We’ve heard this one before too, but I mention it
here because I think it’s harder for parents to execute at times. If your boy wants
to learn how to bake cookies, sure, no problem. What about when your girl wants
to join the wrestling team? Some parents are fine with that and I applaud you!
Others would be super uncomfortable with that idea and might try to talk her out
of it. Not because they think she can’t, but for fear of what people might think.
This fear is driven by our own gender stereotypes we hold as adults. We must
fight it folks!
Lastly, I want to note that this post speaks more to gender sensitivity and gender
bias and less about gender identity and sexual orientation. Those two topics deserve
special care and attention that I will look to devote to in a future post.
P.S. This was the photo of the boys’ haircut that I liked. If this is your kid, I think he’s
really freakin’ cute and I love his hair!
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